Today Joke of the day: January 2011

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ? " he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket - $95.00

Court Costs - $45.00

Look on the Cop's Face? PRICELESS !!!

SmileJokes of the Day For January 25, 2011

This drunk is sitting in a bar and asks the bartender, "Where's

the bathroom pal?"

The bartender says, "Go down the hall and make a right."

Well, a few minutes later, everybody at the bar hears this loud

scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom. A few more

minutes go by and again they hear another loud scream coming out

of the bathroom. This time the bartender goes to investigate what

the drunk is screaming about. He knocks on the door and yells in

to the drunk,

"What's all the screaming about in here? You're scaring all my

customers away."

The drunk says, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to

flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my

balls."

With that, the bartender opens up the door, looks in and says,

"No wonder, you're sitting on a mop bucket!"

SmileJokes of the Day For January 26, 2011

12 Step Program Of Recovery For Web Addicts

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

SmileJokes of the Day For January 27, 2011

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.

"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell.

"What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.

While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked,

"Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.

"Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.

He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance.

As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.

"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

SmileJokes of the Day For January 28, 2011

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.

Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are very close. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

SmileJokes of the Day For January 29, 2011

____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

SmileJokes of the Day For January 30, 2011

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there,

drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning our neighbour James dropped dead on our Porch."

SmileJokes of the Day For January 31, 2011

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the

4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was

driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked

down into the eyes of little boy.

'Mister,' he said, 'I want to buy one of your puppies.'

'Well,' said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck,

'These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money.'

The boy dropped his head for a moment.

Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change

and held it up to the farmer.

'I've got thirty-nine cents.

Is that enough to take a look?'

'Sure,' said the farmer.

And with that he let out a whistle.

'Here, Dolly!' he called.

Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls

of fur.

The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced

with delight.

As the dogs made their way to the fence,

the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.

Slowly another little ball appeared this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp

it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling

toward the others, doing its best to catch up...

'I want that one,' the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt

down at the boy's side and said, 'Son, you don't want that puppy. He will

never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would.'

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began

rolling up one leg of his trousers.

In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg

attaching itself to a specially made shoe.

Looking back up at the farmer, he said, 'You see sir, I don't run too well

myself, and he will need someone who understands.'

With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup.

Holding it carefully handed it to the little boy.

'How much?' asked the little boy. 'No charge,' answered the farmer, 'There's no

charge for love.'

The world is full of people who need someone who understands.

Thanks

Liamvks@gmail

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