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Saturday, February 26, 2011

| Smile Jokes : 296 | Daily Smile

| Smile Jokes : 295 | Smile Joke

Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening just as they have done for the past 50 years.

 Gus, the elder, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife. At the end of the card game Red said to Gus, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?"

 Gus replied, "Why, ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all."

 "Memory school? What memory school?"

 Gus thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower . . . "

 "A rose?" asked Red.

 "Yeah, that's it!" Gus turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"

 

 

 

 

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Wednesday, February 23, 2011

| Smile Jokes : 293 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 24, 2011

 

Little Johnny's at it again.


A new teacher was trying to make use of her  Psychology courses.

 

She started her class by saying,

 

"Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!

 

" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

 

The teacher said,

 

"Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"


"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

 

 

 

 

 

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Tuesday, February 22, 2011

| Smile Jokes : 291 | Marriage woes...

Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
------------ --------- --------- ----
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women
and then he turns them into Wives.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
If u r married please ignore this msg,
for everyone else: Happy Independence Day
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.
It's called marriage.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Girlfriends r like chocolates,
taste good anytime.
Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.
Husbands r like leftovers, eaten when there's no choice.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would
go through hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you
continue to do so for the rest of your life!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Here comes the Ultimate One :)
Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

 

 

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| Smile Jokes : 290 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 23, 2011

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says,

 

"Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."

The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren" and <poof!> she's gone.

The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and <poof!> she's gone.

The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

 

He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says

 

"No, Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'! "

 

 

 

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| Smile Jokes : 291 | Daily Smile

 

A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer.

When the first golfer gets to his ball he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss.

"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," says the first golfer.

"That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell 'SHIT!'"

 

 

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Monday, February 21, 2011

| Smile Jokes : 288 | Daily Smile

| Smile Jokes : 288 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 22, 2011

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that
the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she
agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have

18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and
again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please?

Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over
and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
turned until he was down to only four more hours.

<http://groups.google.com/group/smilejoke?hl=en> He tapped his wife on the
shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not
being funny ..but I have to get up in the morning and you don't!."

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Sunday, February 20, 2011

| Smile Jokes : 287 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 21, 2011

An Irish priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions... A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession.

"Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession. These are my sins: Last night I had sex with Fanny Green."

"That is your sin?"

"Yes, Father."

"You are forgiven. Go out and say one 'Our Father.'"

The man leaves.

Soon, another enters and kneels.

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Fanny Green every week for the last month."

The priest thinks to himself this Fanny Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners... "Those are your sins?"

"Yes, Father."

"You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Marys.'"

The man leaves.

Soon, another man enters and kneels down.

"Father, it has been six months since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the last six months."

This time, the priest has to ask - "Who is this Fanny Green?"

"Just a woman I know, Father."

"Very well, you are forgiven. Go out and say ten 'Hail Marys.'"

The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Fanny Green woman is...

The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass. The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it. She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart.

The priest cannot help but stop and stare. He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy.

"Pssssst. Is that Fanny Green?"

The altar boy has a look and says, "No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

 

 

 

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| Smile Jokes : 286 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 20, 2011

Little Johnny was walking down the street with his mother.

 

They stopped outside a woman's clothing shop and Johnny's mother knew it would embarrass him to go inside so she told him to wait outside. Before she had a chance to go inside,

 

Little Johnny saw a used condom lying on the pavement.

"What is that mummy?" he asked.

His mother looked mortified when she saw the used condom and hastily said, "Um, it's a biscuit Johnny, but it's on the ground and dirty, so don't touch it!"

Confident that Little Johnny wouldn't touch it she went in the shop. When she came out 10 min later she saw the condom was gone.

"You didn't eat the biscuit, did you Little Johnny?" she asked.

"Of course not, it was dirty, so I just licked the cream out from inside it."

 

 

 

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| Smile Jokes : 285 | Smile Jokes

The doctor at a regional hospital tells his patient, "I have good news and bad news for you. Which would you like to hear first?"

The patient asks for the bad news first. "I have the results of your examination of your injuries to both your feet and we're going to have to amputate right away."

"That's the bad news? How could there be good news?"

"See that man in the lobby? The seedy-looking fellow?"

"Yeah," says the patient. "What about him?"

The doctor looks at the patient with a grin, "He wants to buy your shoes!

 

 

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Saturday, February 19, 2011

| Smile Jokes : 284 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 19, 2011

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant  California woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the  California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz..

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart"....

 

 

 

 

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| Smile Jokes : 283 | Intelligent Indians

While visiting India, George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam.

 

He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is.

 

He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people.

 

Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent.

 

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says Kalam. "Allow me to demonstrate."

 

Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

 

Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir !"

 

"Correct.. Thank you and good-bye" says Kalam. He hangs up and says," Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

 

Bush nods: "Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

 

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put Condoleezza Rice to the test.

 

Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condoleezza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

 

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

 

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

 

Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves.

 

Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem.

 

"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

 

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

 

Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's our Colin Powell!"

 

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong ..

 

It's Manmohan Singh!"

 

 

 

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Friday, February 18, 2011

| Smile Jokes : 282 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 18, 2011

Description: Description: smilel joke

 

 

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

 

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

 

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

 

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

 

WIFE: "In the pool."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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| Smile Jokes : 281 | Daily Smile

| Smile Jokes : 280 | Smile Jokes

Description: Description: smilel joke

 

 

 

 

 Conducting A Music Class

 

A band director named Ravelli was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, and performance simply didn't improve.

 

Finally, before the whole band, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

 

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

 

 

 

 

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Thursday, February 17, 2011

| Smile Jokes : 279 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 17, 2011

 

 

Description: Description: smilel joke

 

 

 

 

 

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

 

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

 

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

 

 

 

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| Smile Jokes : 278 | Daily Smile

Description: Description: smilel joke

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Tuesday, February 15, 2011

| Smile Jokes : 277 | For The Kids...

Description: smilel joke

 

 

What did the wizard say to his witch girlfriend?

Hello gore-juice!

 

What do you get if you cross a river with an inflatable wizard?

To the other side!

 

What do wizards stop for on the motorway?

Witchhikers!

 

What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a wizard?

Tyrannosaurus hex!

 

Why do witches wear pointy black hats?

To keep their heads warm!

 

 

 

 

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| Smile Jokes : 276 | KIDS' JOKES...

Description: smilel joke

 

 

Once there was an Irishman, an Englishman and an Australian who
decided to have a competition. While on top of the hill each man had
to chuck his watch in the air, then run down the hill and catch it
before it hit the ground.

So the Irishman chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill and
SPLAT the watch hit the ground.

Then the Englishman chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill
and SPLAT the watch hit the ground.

Next was the Australian who chucked his watch in the air, ran down the
hill, went and had a beer, did the shopping, came back and caught his
watch.

"How did you do that?" asked the Irishman.

The Australian replied "My watch is 1 hour slow !!!!!"

 

 

 

 

 

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| Smile Jokes : 275 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 16, 2011

Description: smilel joke

 

 

A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker.

 

"I win!" said Johnson.

 

Henderson threw down his cards. "That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!!!"

 

"How can you tell?" Phillips asked.

 

"Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"

 

 

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| Smile Jokes : 274 | Smile Jokes

 

Description: smilel joke

 

       You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online.

 

But that seems kind of cruel, doesn't it?

 

Like asking your dying spouse if he or she has any

cute friends.

 

 

 

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Monday, February 14, 2011

| Smile Jokes : 273 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 15, 2011

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A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination,

found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him,

"Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."

 

"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

 

 

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